Subway #4

So, I mentioned last time, that we were really running low on sport celebrities for Subway to exploit for this comics. And you know what? I was right. The two “athletes” for the final issue are Laila Ali, daughter(?) and footstep-follower of the legendary boxer, Muhammed Ali. The other? Jared Fogle. Yes, the formerly fat Subway enthusiast is now considered a Subway superstar with these famous athletes. Why would these two be together? This comic doesn’t even know because this is our opening scene.

Oh, I get it… Jared’s ability is say the dumbest things ever while Laila points out the obvious. This is gonna be great…

Guess I was wrong about Jared… apparently if you lose weight, your thinner body will develop super-speed. Which is obviously what empowered him to run in a marathon… which is apparently a difficult feat in Subway’s eyes. And is it just me, or, between the guy from the last page and this guy, are all these construction workers badly drawn Irish caricatures? Anyway, the villains this series has picked for fodder have actually been pretty A-list, but they end this with the Manhunters, who no one really cares about. If only there was someone there who was unaffected by Manhunters…

Wow… Float like a butterfly, sting like you’re setting women back 50 years. Really? Glowing boxing gloves for her… when you can just punch him with those yourself, Hal? Remember how I said no one cares for these Manhunters? Well, that’s because they are pretty easily disposable robots, but its taking the combined efforts of these three (one of which is specifically skilled in beating armies of these guys at a time) to beat just one. So who’s got a plan? This tactic NEVER works… Cement takes a while to harden, even the quick drying stuff, and encasing your enemy in it is just going to make them mad. Oh, is that a Batarang? Well, obviously Batman’s going to swing in, one-punch it, and leave because this is a really easy-

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Supes, Diana, and Flash too? Man, no wonder this universe is getting a reboot… They actually beat the robot off panel and all leave, leaving our main pair left. And how can we end this stimulating comic? Obviously with a sandwich description…
Jared is friggin creepy. I’ll say it. Look at his eyes there. And if you take that as a sexual “Hey” at the end, it’s even worse. That dude scares me…

Subway #3

This is actually going to be a pretty fast review since it wasn't stupid... or great. It was just ok. Which means there is not much to talk about. We open up to our stars: Nastia Lukin, Apollo Ono, and Michael Phelps, all Olympians, training for their events when lunch arrives from... you guessed it: Quizno's.
In this one scene, we find out the characterizations of these guys: Apollo is easily amazed. Nastia is just a tool for foreshadowing. And Michael is a kidder who makes video game references and has the munchies. Can't imagine where that idea came from... Anyway, Batman is sent through the nearby wall as Mr. Freeze and Solomon Grundy appear. Unlike the previous sports heroes here, these three seem to have it together. Seeing a kid in the water near the fight, Phelps jumps in and saves him, despite the fact that this is an Olympic level gym and not a place for an unsupervised 8-year-old. That's just bad parenting... (generic Casey Anthony joke here, that will get a laugh or two but will ultimately make me sound awful). Thank God Aquaman wasn't in this... half the issue would be Aquaman's inability to swim without floaties... Freeze, for no reason whatsoever, stops fighting Batman and decides that the kid/Phelps should die, so he freezes the pool water, but is stopped short by Nastia, who distracts him. This distraction earns her getting shot in the face with a freeze gun... which, despite being two feet in front of him, the rays don't make it because Green Lantern shows up to save her. Grundy, now fighting Batman on the iced pool, is beating Batman pretty badly. Apollo skates over and does circles around Grundy until the ice breaks and Grundy falls through, unable to swim, shouting out the eloquent phrase, "WATER, BAD!." With both bad guys down, the heroes say thanks for the help from the Olympians, and we get this scene:
By the way, and I wish I could have included this, but that last disembodied line? Grundy. Seriously. You can make your own scenarios why this would occur... but I got nothing. He just shouts it for no reason. Then Michael eats another sandwich. The End. Hey Batman... I got a better idea for that energy...

Subway #2

So this week, instead of violence, we get a lot of boring stories this week, and I have to admit that this story is pretty boring too.

Did you know that all sports stars hang out in Subway? Yeah, I didn't either, but apparently its true. Also, Subway wants you to know that they are now serving avocado. This is a big deal to Blake Griffin.



Blake's so busy having a good meal that he forgets he has a basketball thing to do. Luckily, thanks to point one here, Carl Edwards is there to help.

Can we talk about that stance? If he's not preparing a seduction technique, I don't know what else it could be. Also, Subway wants you to know that if you are a Nascar driver, you can drive fast in the city, and be just fine. But of course, this is a work of fiction... that never happens in reality. Meanwhile, Grodd attacks the city using his army of mind controlled gorillas. The Justice League is doing their best but its not much... after all, Aquaman's there.

There are people in danger, of course, but luckily our sports stars are there to help the crowd get to safety. And then Grodd attacks them. I could try and explain what is about to happen... but I can't. You just need to read it, and then decide if you want to live in a world that contains this plot:

Kinda makes Grodd of War seem pretty interesting. If there were Subways in Africa, perhaps that story would have never occured. And if that wasn't enough... we then get the answer to the joke, how do you stop a gorilla from charging?

What. The. Hell. Well, he saved the day, but poor Blake is going to be late to the basketball shooting contest. Or is he?

You could have made anything... and that's what you went with, Hal? Maybe that's why they don't offer you any of their mysterious reappearing sandwiches.

Insane... I'm really hoping for something magic in the next issue.

Subway

There was a lot of violence from the Flashpoint titles this week, and I know I was really getting pissed about the Super 8 mini inside every issue, but the 6 page comic we got this week is 1000x better. I present: "People Who Like Subway are Idiots"

Summary: While waiting for practice to begin, three football players, Michael Strahan being the only one really with character, are hungry, so a suggestion is made...

...leading to this wonderful, and subtle, product placement:

Adventure begins when the players catch Aquaman being beaten up (I rest my case from last blog about this guy) by Black Manta and Ocean Master. They rush to his rescue and overpower the villains momentarily, but alas, because of this moment (see below), Strahan is rendered powerless, and they escape into the ocean:

Wow... (Reread my title of this issue) But its ok, because they stopped all the bad guys from doing bad things. Which is important... unless you are Michael Strahan:

The superheroes arrive and take out the villains. Obligatory shot of Aquaman sucking at life:

And then it ends... the only way it could:

That sandwich was in the water for a solid ten minutes. If this thing was bad on purpose, its the best piece of work ever.

Flashpoint: Wonder Woman and the Furies

Dan Abnett, Andy Lanning, Scott Clark, and David Beaty

"The Arrangement:" Princess Diana of Themyscira wanted so much to be a part of the rest of the world that she left her role as royalty to become Wonder Woman. In the world of Flashpoint, Wonder Woman has decimated Great Brittain, and leads the charge against Emperor Aquaman in the war that's tearing the world apart.

Summary: Keeping much of her history the same, the WW of this world is still a rebel, wanting to reach out to the rest of the world. On a routine swim around the island, a thorned, tentacled creature rises and attacks the princess. Aquaman quickly appears and kills the creature, saving Diana from its attack, but its poison is getting to her. Quickly pulling her underwater and into Atlantis, she is treated there and one month later, they return and a wedding is set to occur. Diana's "sisters" Penthiselia and Artemis and Aquaman's brother Orm, and ward, Garth are none too happy with this event. A couple months later, now one year ago in terms of the Flashpoint timeline, at the wedding, Garth and Artemis are nowhere to be found, neither wanting to be a part of a sham wedding that was based in business rather than love. The wedding celebrations begin and during the ceremony, an Atlantean warrior is preparing to "snipe" Diana with a trident. Aquaman moves her behind him to take the shot but Queen Hippolyta takes the trident's blow, killing her nearly instantly. We then see Garth running from the rooftop, only to run into the Atlantean assassin who is actually Artemis. Subdoing the teenager quickly, she dresses him in her Atlantean outfit and shouts that she caught the murderer. Before he can respond, he is promptly executed. Diana tells the Atlanteans to leave and never return. Cut to Diana resting in bed while Pensthelia and Artemis discuss that the plan is going successfully, and its time for Orm to do his part.

High Points: The art here is actually really great. Not much else to say.

Low Points: Its not that its a bad story, but its just nothing special.

Verdict: C+. I'm honestly already sick of this treachery and war subplot. DC took two of their worst characters and tried to do something radical with them... and then are shocked when no one cares about them. Shitty characters are shitty. I wish I could just skip to the end of this event sometimes, Don't you?